Vintage

I have been waiting, waiting for so long to see a super kick ass flick with surely who are the penultimate CoolFilmz legends: DeNiro and Pacino – men whose first names we dare not mutter for fear of a bloody boot stomp to the head or a good old piano wire garroting (“leave the canola”). Capeesh?  

Unfortunately, the waiting will last forever I suppose the best was already to be had in Godfather Part II and Heat.  As for Righteous Kill, it should be rightly killed.  It should be put in the trunk of a Caddy and somebody should finish off this Billy Bats asshole movie.  

Worse, why this movie is bad is more than just the plot.  Dare I say it but I will: DeNiro and Pacino mailed it in big time and that is something I thought I would never see. With one exception where DeNiro gets a bit animated and angry (a DeNiro we have not seen for some time) and stabs a knife into a butcher block table, there is nary a kitchen knife to the gut—that signature half smile that says someone is going to get whacked; or that crazy wild-eyed look hearkening back to the days of Taxi Driver that says “Are you talking to me?”  This one scene aside, there was none of the DeNiro I have enjoyed throughout the ages.  Hell, he had more gusto in the Meet The Parent flicks.  I guess since you can milk anything with nipples, you can surely milk a stinker of a movie (“Right Greg?”).  Now, how about saying hello to our friend Pacino.  

In this cinematic mob hit, Pacino looks like he is still stuck in that one movie where he can’t sleep anymore, Insomnia.  He has bags under his eyes bigger than I have seen thrown in the back of Manhattan taxies.  I am not sure which cinematic fecal material came first, Righteous Kill or 88-Minutes, another equally appalling Pacino effort.  Oh, it pains me to see these two acting stars turn out a poor performances in this run-of-the-mill, mediocre film that adds nothing new to the genre of mafia flicks, cop thrillers or to the heralded history of the great DeNiro and Pacino.
I am sort of pissed this movie is so crappy.  I am pissed Pacino and DeNiro got old so fast.  But, I am older now too.  Who am I kidding? I don’t have time to be pissed at actors any more even if they were my idols at one point and probably still are.  But, oh, the time when I was a Goodfellas aficionado, who could recite every darn line with the all the wisecracks and all the aplomb of choking a wig-selling dead beat (“Morrie’s wigs – never fall off…”).  But, where, o’where, have those good and bloody days gone?  
But enough, spilt milk (damn, I should be saying blood).  

The film opens with Detectives Thomas "Turk" Cowan and David "Rooster" Fisk (DeNiro and Pacino respectively).  As the opening credits roll, we get both stars shooting targets with pistols and machine guns while cracking jokes to one another.  Interwoven is DeNiro shown getting into an argument with an umpire during a kid’s baseball game and threatening suspects, proving thus, I hate to say it, the old fart, still has the energy to do a cop’s job and thus demands our attention during this geriatric musty cinematic fart of a movie.  At the same time, Pacino is seen defeating multiple opponents in chess, thus establishing his mental prowess and proving that Alzheimer’s is still a few years away.  Embarrassingly, there were more stunt doubles used in this opening montage than all the Cannonball Run films combined.  It’s not their fault they got old, but man, I still don’t like it.   Tough guys don’t get old damnit.  They ride off into the sunset or get buried in a corn field with Louisville Slugger-beaten brethren.  Their cars explode or they retire to Miami.  

The movie cuts to Turk staring into the camera confessing to the murders of 14 people. Turk's "confessions" narrate the story.  They are working on taking down a drug-dealing club owner, Spider (50 Cent). To do so they plant a wire on a female lawyer caught using drugs purchased from Spider; wanting to catch him in the act of selling. Spider becomes suspicious and finds the wire. Turk and Rooster rush into Spider's office and get her out, but not before Spider's fat ass bodyguard aims a gun at them and a shootout begins. Spider's man gets blasted and the lawyer gets shot as well.  Turk beats Spider until Rooster prevents him from really hurting the hoodlum.
Turk and Rooster are ordered by their lieutenant (Brian Dennehy) to begin sessions with a therapist. The doctor gives the cops little notebooks to write down whatever feelings they have.  Without giving away the surprise ending, which really is not very satisfying anyway, we get this cop thriller movie where anyone could be the true killer and it all serves to support a gimmick in both plot and film technique.  The whole idea was to fool us but not entertain us.  

And we know the true killer is wise and smart, because he leaves nursery rhymes at the scenes.  Oh, my.  If that is not hackneyed, I am not sure what is.  Here I got a rhyme, “There once was a movie from Nantucket… “  Ah, not even worth it….

Still there are more opportunities to show that DeNiro and Pacino are still highly virile men.  DeNiro’s character is shown several times laying the pipe to Carla Gugina’s police officer character in sequences that would have done some of my college years justice.  From here it is just autopilot run of the mill crap.   What is the age difference between this fine wine and this moldy cheese.

Okay, I feel I can say those things about DeNiro and Pacino because I respect them so much.  The tough guys I knew would not want it any other way.   Still,  if you are a young buck and this is your first experience with either of these actors, man, you are missing out.  Get in a time machine and go back to the 70s.  Take a fresh look at either in anything back then.  

It should be said Danny Wahlberg and Carla Gugino played cops nicely.  Wahlberg, Leguizamo and Cugino are highly serviceable.  Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson as Marcus "Spider" Smith was authentic, but this flick was a gun that shot a blank.    

The cards have been dealt on this film and it would be a Joker if not for the respect I have for the careers of the two principle actors involved in this police thriller that hit the crapper faster than a piss drunk Mafioso at wedding reception.  It gets a jack and that’s a true righteous kill.